Discernment counseling is a specialized approach tailored for couples who find themselves at a crossroads, uncertain whether to pursue divorce or separation or to work on their relationship. It's especially beneficial for situations where one partner is unsure about continuing the marriage, while the other is committed to saving it. At Sparrow Counseling, discernment counseling provides a respectful and structured approach to thoughtfully navigate the complexities of your relationship and the decision about the future of your marriage. It helps both partners explore their individual feelings, understand their dynamics, and ultimately make a well-informed decision about the future of their relationship.

At Sparrow Counseling, the discernment counseling process is designed to be thorough yet concise, typically encompassing no more than five sessions. Your initial session will last two hours, giving both partners ample time to express their perspectives. Subsequent sessions are 90 minutes each, structured to maximize clarity and help the couple come to a decision about the future of their marriage. During these sessions, you and your partner will start together, then separate to have individual time with the counselor, working with the counselor on your individual contribution as to why you are in this place in the marriage. Our individual time is not spent blaming the other partner.  The individual time is spent focusing on the relational dynamics that are hurting your marriage.  The session concludes with a joint time where you share insights gained and discuss any revelations with each other.

At the end of each session, you will have the opportunity to decide whether you want another session or if you feel ready to make a decision about the future of your relationship. The counselor will guide each session with targeted interventions to help you both determine your next steps—be it continuing in couples counseling, considering separation or divorce, or maintaining the status quo.

By the end of the discernment process, you will both have a decision about your path forward. Should you need further support, Sparrow Counseling is here to assist you with a range of services tailored to your needs.

The primary goal of discernment counseling at Sparrow Counseling is to help you and your partner gain clarity and confidence about the direction of your relationship, with a focus on understanding its potential for the future. Unlike traditional marriage counseling that aims to resolve relationship issues, discernment counseling helps you determine whether these issues are solvable. Throughout the process, you will be treated with empathy and respect, regardless of your current feelings towards your marriage. We ensure a non-judgmental environment where there are no "bad guys" or "good guys." Ultimately, discernment counseling guides you to make an informed decision about moving forward—whether that means pursuing divorce, separation, working on your relationship with further counseling, or maintaining the status quo for the time being.

Effective discernment counseling means that a couple was able to achieve clarity and confidence in the decision about the future of their marriage.  While few studies have been done on discernment counseling’s effectiveness here are a few things participants in a study done on 10 couples said:

Discernment counseling gave the couple more clarity and a safe place to be honest:

• 43‐year‐old female participant who was married for 4 years, indicated that “discernment counseling helped provide clarity to me in a time where I was in a state of shock and everything felt murky.

• ” Holly, a 37‐year‐old woman with three children, stated that “it was helpful to get clearer about what each one of us wanted…which was helpful for having some support in this process of figuring out what to do next.

• “ We were finally able to have the opportunity to be truthful about their intentions and desires” for the future direction of their relationship

Discernment counseling provided a structured, safe place to say what needed to be said:

• Jan, a 56‐year‐old mother of two adult daughters who had been married for nearly 30 years explained that her decision to try discernment counseling was because she had been trying, unsuccessfully, to talk to her husband about his marital concerns for 2 years. “I would ask him 'is there someone else?' and he'd say 'no.' I would ask 'what he wanted to be better between us?' and he could not tell me. He would always say 'I don't know.' I had to give him a safe place where he could finally say what he wasn't able to say to me at home…and where he could finally be truthful with me about his intentions.”

• Tom, married for over 22 years, stated that discernment counseling “was an essential step that we had to go through because we had to communicate better. It was hard because I was afraid of her anger and our communication was not functional at that point…so it actually brought us to a place where we could finally talk honestly about what was going on.

• ” A similar sentiment was repeated by Mary, who decided to divorce after discovering her ex‐husband had had an affair during their first year of marriage, saying “discernment counseling gave us the space to say all the things that we've never said before.”

Discernment counseling helps each partner understand their own individual, dysfunctional contributions to the marriage

• Mary said, “I am doing individual therapy now and it has been helpful for continued understanding about my tendencies in relationships and for gaining more insight as to how that played out in my marriage.”

• Another participant emphasized repeatedly that he was “finally seeing [himself] more clearly now, and the experience of discernment counseling helped create a catalyst for change in [himself] and in future relationships.”

• Finally, another participant whose marriage ended due to her ex‐husband's drug addiction, revealed that she “realized how important it is to remain engaged with [her] partner in her next relationship because [she] sees now how [she] missed some clues about his struggles with addiction.”

Finally, this study found that discernment counseling helped couples stop avoiding the conversation of the future of their marriage and attack it head-on.  It also helped partners feel understood and heard since there was a safe and structured environment. Finally, the discernment counselor was able to provide some psychoeducation to the couple about the decision they made and gave them a road map about how to take the path they chose and do it well.

The effectiveness of discernment counseling at Sparrow Counseling hinges on a few key factors: the genuine participation of both partners, the expertise of the counselor, and the specific challenges the relationship faces. While it's difficult to quantify success rates universally for discernment counseling due to its highly personalized nature, the feedback we receive and the insights gained by couples who undergo this process speak volumes. Discernment counseling proves to be an invaluable resource for many couples at a crossroads, providing them with the clarity and confidence needed to make well-informed decisions about their future together or apart. This clear understanding is, in itself, a profound outcome, because it helps the couple move from the limbo of indecision to moving forward with a mutually chosen path.

In a study done by the creator and founder of Discernment Counseling, Bill Doherty he found in 100 couples “47% of couples chose to pursue reconciliation through couple therapy, 41% chose to move toward separation/divorce, and 12% of couples chose to maintain the status quo (that is, not move toward either divorce or reconciliation). About half of all couples (51%) had contacted a lawyer before beginning, and, unsurprisingly, these couples were less likely to choose a reconciliation path (31%) and more likely to pursue separation/divorce (55%). Of those who did not contact a lawyer, 27% chose separation/divorce, and 52% chose reconciliation” Hardy, N).

If your spouse has asked for a divorce, Discernment Counseling might be a suitable option, especially if one of you is considering ending the marriage while the other hopes to save it. This type of counseling provides a structured, safe space to pause and carefully consider your next steps. Our counselors are here to help you explore all possibilities: working towards reconciliation, proceeding with a divorce or separation, or taking some time to decide. You will gain clarity and confidence as you understand more about what can be healed and what cannot in your relationship. We respect the complex feelings involved in contemplating divorce and focus on a deep understanding of your relationship's dynamics. This process involves both partners reflecting on their own individual roles in the relationship's challenges and strengths, offering valuable insights that are useful regardless of the outcome.

At Sparrow Counseling, we understand that when a couple is on the brink of divorce, there is often one partner who is leaning out and another who is leaning in toward saving the relationship. Traditional couples counseling may not be effective in these situations if both partners are not equally committed to the process. This is where Discernment Counseling comes into play, providing a specialized approach that helps each partner clarify their feelings and decide the best path forward for the future of their marriage.

If, through discernment, both partners choose to commit to Path 3 which is working on the marriage then the Discernment Counselor will recommend 6 months of committed weekly counseling or doing a couples intensive.  At Sparrow Counseling, we are committed to helping couples on the brink of divorce find love and connection again.  By going through the process of discernment counseling and choosing Path 3  both partners are now fully invested in the counseling process. Choosing this path after such thoughtful deliberation increases the likelihood of success, saving both time and money by ensuring that efforts are well-directed and both individuals are equally committed to working on the relationship. This collaborative commitment can help couples come back from the brink of divorce, fostering a renewed connection built on clear and mutual intentions.

One of the most significant predictors of divorce is the presence of negative communication patterns, often identified as the "Four Horsemen" by renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. These destructive behaviors include criticism, where a partner's character or personality is attacked; contempt, which shows up as sarcasm, mockery, or condesceing body language; defensiveness, a response that involves blaming the other partner for all the relaotnship problems; and stonewalling, where one partner withdraws and shuts down from interaction, creating emotional distance.

Beyond these, other key predictors include a persistent lack of positive interactions like affection and support, issues of infidelity and trust, high levels of unresolved conflict, emotional and physical detachment, unmet expectations leading to discontent, addiction, and irreconcilable differences in life goals and values.

While these factors are linked to a higher risk of divorce, it's important to remember that they are not definitive. At Sparrow Counseling, we believe in the service we provide and have helped hundreds of couples find intimacy and connection again. Many couples manage to navigate these challenges successfully with the help of effective communication, counseling, and a committed effort from both partners. At Sparrow Counseling, we believe in the potential for growth and resolution through committed partnership and professional guidance.

Deciding whether to pursue a divorce is a deeply personal and complex decision, requiring careful reflection and evaluation. If you're feeling uncertain, discernment counseling at Sparrow Counseling can be a crucial resource. This focused form of counseling is designed specifically for couples where one partner is considering ending the marriage while the other hopes to save it. It provides a structured environment to:

• Assess Emotions and Core Issues: Reflect on your feelings towards your partner and identify key issues in your marriage, such as communication breakdowns, trust issues, or differing life goals.

• Evaluate Efforts to Improve: Consider past attempts to resolve these issues, such as therapy or open communication.

• Consider Overall Well-Being: Think about how the relationship affects your mental, emotional, and physical health.

• Examine Alignment of Values and Future Visions: Evaluate whether your core values and future aspirations align with those of your partner.

• Impact on Children and Family: If applicable, consider the effects of staying together versus separating on children and other family members.

• Legal and Financial Implications: Understand the legal and financial ramifications of a potential divorce.

• Take Your Time: Allow yourself the space to explore your options without rushing into a decision.

Discernment counseling can help you gain clarity and confidence about the best path forward, whether that's reconciliation, separation, or taking time to decide. At Sparrow Counseling, we respect your journey and are here to provide support and guidance, helping you navigate this critical decision with compassion and care.

Navigating the uncertainty of divorce is challenging, but discernment counseling at Sparrow Counseling can provide essential support and clarity during this time. This form of counseling is especially beneficial for couples who are on the fence about continuing their marriage, helping each partner thoughtfully consider their options and decide on a path forward. Alongside this specialized support, it's crucial to:

• Lean on Support Networks: Engage with support groups and rely on friends and family for emotional support, which can be invaluable.  You cannot walk through this alone.  Finding people that allow you the space and freedom to make your own decisions without their opinions and input are the people worth hanging onto during this time.

• Prioritize Self-Care: Maintain your physical and mental health through activities like exercise, meditation, or yoga, and keep engaged with hobbies that bring you joy.  Making sure you are taking care of your physical self through rest, activity and fun is essential during a time of stress.

• Educate Yourself: Understand the legal and financial implications of divorce by consulting with professionals, which can help you feel more empowered.  There are many resources out there that can help those contemplating divorce.  For women in Alabama there is Second Saturday which helps navigate for women the divorce process.

• Set Manageable Goals and Maintain Routine: Focus on small, achievable goals and keep a regular routine to provide stability.  Make sure you are eating and sleeping well and taking care of the basics during this stressful time.

• Express and Reflect: Use journaling to process your emotions and gain insights into your desires and needs during this pivotal time.  Also, getting individual counseling to help you better indeintfy what you are feeling and learn how to express that to your partner in a way they can understand may also be helpful.

• Embrace Flexibility and Positivity: Stay open to changes and focus on the positives, looking forward to future growth and personal development.

By incorporating these strategies and considering discernment counseling, you can approach the decision-making process with more confidence and ensure that your actions align with your best interests and overall well-being.

Deciding whether to stay married or pursue a divorce is a significant and complex decision that requires careful consideration especially when children are involved.  This decision is not just about you but when children are involved there are others to think about. Discernment counseling at Sparrow Counseling can be particularly beneficial for couples uncertain about their future together. This specialized counseling helps partners understand their feelings, assess the core issues such as communication gaps, trust issues, and differing life goals, and consider the impact on emotional and physical health.

Here’s how you can approach this decision:

• Assess Your Relationship: Evaluate your mutual efforts to resolve conflicts through counseling or communication and reflect on how the relationship affects your well-being.

• Understand Your Values and Vision: Consider if your fundamental values align with your partner’s and visualize your future with and without them.

• Consider Family Impact: Think about the effects on children and other family members; sometimes, a peaceful separation is healthier.

• Seek Professional Guidance: Engage in individual therapy or couples counseling to explore options. Discernment counseling can guide you through 1 to 5 structured sessions, helping you make an informed decision by understanding both personal and joint perspectives.

• Legal and Practical Considerations: Be aware of the financial and practical implications of divorce, including asset division and living arrangements.

Take the time to thoroughly explore all aspects without rushing. Using tools like discernment counseling alongside professional guidance can provide clarity and confidence in your decision, ensuring that any choice made is well-informed and considers the well-being of all involved.